Patriots in the Playoffs

The Patriots have their first playoff game tonight. For those of you who were surprised by their perfect season so far this year, don't be. They were under strict orders from the Divine Purple Elephant Queen to win every game they played. They know that if they loose a single game, then her Divinity will punish them to a life of eternal orangeness once she takes over the world.
And who in their right mind would want to be punished with the orangeness? The practice has been outlawed by the United Nations. They say it's inhumane to lock a person in a room with orange light bulbs, orange floor, orange ceiling, orange walls and feed them nothing but oranges and sweet potatoes. And of course, the person himself would be wearing nothing but, you guessed it, orange.
The Pats weren't to crazy about a life of orangeness (who would want to live so deprived of purple?), so they have no choice but to go undefeated through the entire season. If they loose tonight, though, don't expect to be seeing Tom Brady any time soon.

Finally, the party's over. Almost.

The party started five hours ago, and everyone's left except for the Oddmans. They don't seem like they'll be leaving any time soon, either. At any rate, it's pretty much over, and I'm relatively certain I survived. Wish I could say the same for Raphael. The poor kid got so tired from all the excitement that he crashed at four o'clock, four hours before his normal bedtime, even though the party was still in full swing. From the looks of him, he won't be getting up any time soon.
The littlest of the Oddmans, Morgan, is almost three years old. Unlike Raphael, he's still alive and kicking. The kid running around, playing with Joey, and messing with a stuffed snake and an oversized matchbox card. They both seem to be having a good time.
Our Yankee Gift Swap was a huge success. For those of you not familiar concept, it's the same thing as a "white elephant" gift swap. Except, because the Divine Purple Elephant Queen doesn't approve of white elephants, we've taken to call it a Yankee Gift Swap. It's the only situation where the word "Yankee" can be used in our household in anything remotely resembling a positive context. That's just the way the family works.
At any rate, it was popular. I got some sort of Liz Clayborne (is that spelled right?) necklace out of the bargain, and Bob got some weird "Say what?" game out of it. The game's rather fun.

Anyway, I think I'll go join Raphael.

Turkey Day

You know, if Ben Franklin had his way back in the eighteenth century, the turkey would be America's national bird, not that dorky "bald eagle" thing we have today. I mean, come on. The bald eagle gives America the image of being a balding old man whose only remaining hair is as white as snow. That is certainly not how I want my country to be portrayed.
Anyway, my point is that I feel sorry for the poor turkeys, destined to die before winter sets in. It's kinda sad, in a way. Besides, turkeys aren't the key stone of a good Thanksgiving meal. Having good stuffing is infinetly more important. Stuffing makes the world go round, after all. That and the stuff that makes the sky blue. And the awesome majesty of the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. But that goes without stuffing.
I call for a strike on eating turkey!!! Instead, consume more stuffing for your Thanksgiving feast!

Bob is starting to annoy me

He's obsessed with building a giant rocking chair. He leaves the house every morning at 4:30 to work on it and doesn't come back home until 10 at night. As soon as he gets home, he collapses into bed and sleeps until it's time to leave again. I never see him. I never talk to him. It's horrible.
From what I understand, the rocking chair is the key to his taking over the world, something I can not allow. World domination is the sole responsibility of the Divine Purple Elephant Queen, and he has no right to attempt interference.
Speaking of which, the Divine Purple Elephant Queen's plan to taking over El Salvador are going even better than planned. By 2010, we hope to control all of Central and South America.
Beat that, Bob.

Why you don't want to make an elephant mad

Hopefully, that's reason enough for you. Elephants are rarely truly angry, but when upset, they are not a pretty sight to see. One time I saw an elephant go absolutely crazy over someone dropping its favorite type of peanut (the Styrofoam kind) on the ground. Every elephant has its own personal peeves, and they are not things to be messed with.
When elephants get REALLY mad, they call in the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. She's their leader not just because she is divine, but because she is by far more frightening than the other elephants can be. The Divine Purple Elephant Queen is three times the size of normal elephants, and can squash a human with a single step if she so wishes. She can shoot fire out of her trunk, a sight which inspired ancient man to create dragon myths. The Queen has existed for years immeasurable, and will probably still be living long after any people alive now are gone.

You don't want to mess with the Queen

I suppose you're off the hook...

Alright, Mr. Beckett, you're off the hook.
Until the next baseball season, anyway.
In response to these developments, I forced that poor polar bear to completely consume the contents of the Coca-Cola bottle you saw earlier. The bear wasn't pleased, but like all good minions, he would do anything for the Divine Purple Elephant Queen, of whom I am a representative.
Now it's the Patriots that need to be worried. I want a perfect season, after all.

That's not a Coke.

I don't care who told you what, that penguin is not giving that polar bear a Coke. Nope, that's the top secret plan of what they'll do if the Red Sox don't win the game tonight. You don't want to know what's inside of it. Top secret, highly confidential stuff. It's so classified, even the Divine Purple Elephant Queen doesn't have access to it. And let me tell you, the Divine Purple Elephant Queen knows EVERYTHING. She knows what you're having for breakfast next Tuesday morning, even if you have no idea. She knows when you'll finally stop putting off your least favorite chore. She knows what your first word was, when you said it, where you said it, and what you meant by it.
So let me tell you, this is top secret stuff. I shouldn't even be telling you it exists. But if I didn't, I'd feel guilty. So be prepared for what will happen if the Sox don't win tonight. Especially you, Mr. Becket. And Big Papi, you should be sweating in your sleep.
Though you better not be sleeping 20 minutes before the game.

Bob and the Purple Elephant plot.

Bob and I are deeply in love. It is so nice to be married. We are so happy together, and with all of our kids. Life is bliss.
Anyway, my apologies for not having been on recently. I was working on my plan to help purple elephants take over the world. It's coming along quite nicely. By February of 2028, everyone should be bowing the the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. With the help of the penguins from the north pole and polar bears from the south pole, we should start taking over El Salvador, which is our first target, in a matter of months.
At first, we'll trick them into thinking it's just a small, peaceful internet campaign. We'll send every El Salvadorian email account a picture of the Diving Purple Elephant Queen with a message saying something along the lines of "This is the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. Submit to her Wondorous Rule." Then, slowly, we'll start a political party. Before you know it, we'll be in charge and we'll change El Salvador's government to a dictatorship, with The Queen as the dictator.
It will be awesome.