Patriots in the Playoffs

The Patriots have their first playoff game tonight. For those of you who were surprised by their perfect season so far this year, don't be. They were under strict orders from the Divine Purple Elephant Queen to win every game they played. They know that if they loose a single game, then her Divinity will punish them to a life of eternal orangeness once she takes over the world.
And who in their right mind would want to be punished with the orangeness? The practice has been outlawed by the United Nations. They say it's inhumane to lock a person in a room with orange light bulbs, orange floor, orange ceiling, orange walls and feed them nothing but oranges and sweet potatoes. And of course, the person himself would be wearing nothing but, you guessed it, orange.
The Pats weren't to crazy about a life of orangeness (who would want to live so deprived of purple?), so they have no choice but to go undefeated through the entire season. If they loose tonight, though, don't expect to be seeing Tom Brady any time soon.

No Patriots Tonight

It's very sad. They have the night off. No Patriots. I think I might cry.
...
Okay, I'm over it. They're just taking a tiny break in hopes of achieving true perfection in the coming games. They will, of course. But still, it's very sad. No good football games tonight. I should cry. Maybe I will.
...
Now I'm really over it. I think. Maybe. Perhaps. If I concentrate really hard, it doesn't bother me. Hey look! Ind is play Sd. Sd is winning. Ind may meet an embarrassing end tonight. Where do they get these names from anyway? team names make no sense. Who wants to root for a team named "Sd?" How do you even pronounce Sd, for that matter. "Essde?" "Sud?" "Ssduh?" At least Ind has a name I can say. It rhymes with end. Very convenient.

I suppose you're off the hook...

Alright, Mr. Beckett, you're off the hook.
Until the next baseball season, anyway.
In response to these developments, I forced that poor polar bear to completely consume the contents of the Coca-Cola bottle you saw earlier. The bear wasn't pleased, but like all good minions, he would do anything for the Divine Purple Elephant Queen, of whom I am a representative.
Now it's the Patriots that need to be worried. I want a perfect season, after all.