Happy Belated New Year!!!

I truly, genuinely, totally apologize for my recent absence and the lack of posts caused by it. I'm sorry.
But, seriously, it's Bob's fault. he bought me one of those new-fangled iPods, the one that's like an iPhone without a phone or a camera, for Christmas. As a direct result of that, I became addicted to buying television show episodes off iTunes. So far, I've purchased and viewed the first three seasons of "Numb3rs". Now I've started obsessing over "Bones" There's no time to do anything else when you can be wasting $2 per episode on television shows.
In fact, the only reason I'm writing this now is because I'm downloading another three episodes of "Bones" on iTunes, and it's taking awhile.
Anyway, the kids are starting to complain about how they never see me anymore. I've been spending half my time hiding in my bedroom staring at the 3" screen of my iPod touch. The other 12 hours a day, I'm either sleeping or performing my duties as chef/maid/taxi driver, all of which Bob is to lazy to perform.
Does anyone else think I'm obsessed?

Finally, the party's over. Almost.

The party started five hours ago, and everyone's left except for the Oddmans. They don't seem like they'll be leaving any time soon, either. At any rate, it's pretty much over, and I'm relatively certain I survived. Wish I could say the same for Raphael. The poor kid got so tired from all the excitement that he crashed at four o'clock, four hours before his normal bedtime, even though the party was still in full swing. From the looks of him, he won't be getting up any time soon.
The littlest of the Oddmans, Morgan, is almost three years old. Unlike Raphael, he's still alive and kicking. The kid running around, playing with Joey, and messing with a stuffed snake and an oversized matchbox card. They both seem to be having a good time.
Our Yankee Gift Swap was a huge success. For those of you not familiar concept, it's the same thing as a "white elephant" gift swap. Except, because the Divine Purple Elephant Queen doesn't approve of white elephants, we've taken to call it a Yankee Gift Swap. It's the only situation where the word "Yankee" can be used in our household in anything remotely resembling a positive context. That's just the way the family works.
At any rate, it was popular. I got some sort of Liz Clayborne (is that spelled right?) necklace out of the bargain, and Bob got some weird "Say what?" game out of it. The game's rather fun.

Anyway, I think I'll go join Raphael.

Countdown to the family party: 7 days

It's that time of year again, and as always, my darling old parents have decided to throw their annual Christmas bash. It's supposed to be on Sunday (a week from today) and I'm rather looking forward to it. We're going to have music and food and fun. As always, there will be a Yankee gift swap, and, as always, I hope it doesn't get to far out of hand. One year I swear we had twice as many people as their were presents. Those who picked first ended up with absolutely nothing. I think we'll be a bit more careful this year.
My dear old dad may be getting a bit senile. You wouldn't believe how many people he's invited. Then of course, there are the guests invited by me and Bob. Even the kids are getting in on the action. Sally Ann, my oldest daughter, blackmailed her brother Bob Jr. to invite a guy she likes. Another one of my kids, Joey, invited his entire 3rd period English class to bring their families. It could get a little crazy.
Hopefully my parent's house will be big enough to hold everyone. It might get close, especially when you consider that their one story ranch was barely big enough to hold myself, them, and my brothers when I was growing up. Forget crazy, this party has the potential to get downright insane.

Old Peoples' Party

Great fun, don't you think? Yesterday, my mother and my father kidnapped me to go to my Grandmother's birthday party. Somehow, Bob and all of our kids managed to get out of it. We ate Dad's fried chicken (he just learned how to use a deep fryer), taquitos, chips, and other fun little munchies while surrounded by three elderly couples, not including my parents. It was a TON of fun. Just imagine it, sitting there in a pristine formal room and chowing down while the homeowner showed off the newest additions to her wardrobe. After dinner, we cut the cake (chocolate with pink and white frosting). The thing had only one candle on it, because after you get old, I guess you don't want to admit you're getting any older. But anyway, we cut the cake, ate it, and then talked for a little for awhile before leaving. I am extremely glad I went.

Decorating the Christmas Tree

I know it's been awhile since I last posted, but I've been busy with Christmas stuff. You would not believe how hard it is to go shopping for 9 1/2 kids. I literally have to keep a list of what I've bought for each kid. It's horrible. Two years ago, I forgot to get Michelangelo anything but some stocking stuffers. The poor kid was so sure Santa hated him that he ran to his room crying. I had to pretend to find a $100 bill under the tree with his name on it to cheer him up. I never saw any of that money again.
But anyway, we set up our Christmas tree yesterday. It's a bit of a sad tree; there are huge gaps where no branches exist. But after putting on about six or seven strands of lights, more beads than you can shake a stick at, and a surprisingly dismal amount of ornaments (no one felt like doing much after the Simpsons turned on), I am happy to say I survived the experience. Not sure I can say the same thing about Bob, of course, but he's expendable.
Halfway through the meal, I whipped up some hot cocoa for everyone to enjoy. It tasted okay, though mine was a bit watery and tasteless, and I think everyone had a good time. I had to make three kettles of water to ensure there was enough for all 11 1/2 of us to drink some. I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

You've got to see this one

As an apology for not having posted in the past week, I'd like to show you all this beautiful picture. I took it last Saturday night at Bryce Canyon, and it is (supposedly) the full moon. I know better, though.
The simplest of logic tells me that this is a picture of a UFO. as in Unkind Flying Object. The thing was a spherical flying object piloted by aliens in an attempt to take over the world via mind control. How do I know this?
1. Hordes of people came to take pictures of the "moon". While this could have been photographers trying to make extra cash, you and I both know that it was actually a collection of poor fools whose minds are already controlled by aliens.
2. Look at that glowing orb. I mean, come one. It could be the moon, but puh-lease. It's way to bright.
3. What are the chances of the moon rising at sunset the only evening I'm at Bryce Canyon? Slim to none. Obviously, the aliens know that I have a fairly high rank in the purple elephants' plot, and wanted to capture me for questioning.
Luckily, Bob, myself, and the kids all ran off before we had a chance to learn about alien torture devices first hand.

Dud loves turkeys

For the life of me, I can't understand Dud's obsession with turkeys. It's just weird. I mean, come on. The things may have awesome colors and be absolutely absurd looking, but that's no reason for the kid to want a pet turkey for Christmas. Is it?
Bob is doing much to get Dud to give up that dream, either. He's hinting about Santa Claus needing to know what turkeys eat and other such things. Dud may only be five, but he's still tech savy enough to know how to do a Google search for what turkeys eat. This is what he found:

Wild Turkeys eat a great variety of foods, including: insects, spiders, snails, slugs, salamanders, small lizards, small frogs, millipedes, grasshoppers, very small snakes, worms, grasses, vines, flowers, acorns, buds, seeds, fruits, clovers, dogwood, blueberries, cherries, hickory nuts, beechnuts, and other vegetation.

I don't think I want a pet that likes eating frogs, snakes, snails, and my vegetable and flower gardens. How am I going to explain this to Dud?

Mom's Garage

It's a nightmare.
A complete and total nightmare.
My dear old mother, who's been getting loopier and loopier with each passing year, decided that today would be a good day to clean her garage. She called me up and guilted me into coming over to help. Bob and our useless kids all found convenient excuses that prevented them from coming. So next thing I knew, I was at my parent's house, with my parents and brothers, standing in front of their garage. Dad soon drove off to go "shopping for supplies." Like we all didn't know he was making a clean run for it.
For a garage that is maybe six feet deep, twenty feet long, and seven feet high, it held a catastrophic amount of stuff. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought she had found a way to fit some kind of black hole into it to keep all her stuff inside the garage.
Anyway, it took the four of us about five hours to go through the thing. It's a lot emptier now, but only because most of the stuff is either waiting for the garbageman to come on Tuesday or sitting in our backyard, waiting for next week's yard sale.

Bob is starting to annoy me

He's obsessed with building a giant rocking chair. He leaves the house every morning at 4:30 to work on it and doesn't come back home until 10 at night. As soon as he gets home, he collapses into bed and sleeps until it's time to leave again. I never see him. I never talk to him. It's horrible.
From what I understand, the rocking chair is the key to his taking over the world, something I can not allow. World domination is the sole responsibility of the Divine Purple Elephant Queen, and he has no right to attempt interference.
Speaking of which, the Divine Purple Elephant Queen's plan to taking over El Salvador are going even better than planned. By 2010, we hope to control all of Central and South America.
Beat that, Bob.

The neighbors visit

Our neighbors, the Lockes, are visiting th Builder house for dinner tonight. No sooner did I get home from a hard day of escorting kids to their Saturday activities than the first of the Lockes appeared.
They're really nice people. There are two little girls and one little boy. Dud likes to play with the boy, and the two girls adore all my daughters.
Dinner was delicious, of course, because my parents are also visiting. The house is stuffed. We had our nine and a half kids, Bob and myself, my parents, and all five members of the Lockes family. The table was stuffed. No elbow room allowed. None. Luckily, I knew what I was doing and managed to set the table just right to give everyone enough room to eat without getting in each other's way.
Ugh. Now I have to go do all of the dishes. Joy.

Homework is evil

Or at least that is what my kids say. It's been so long since I was their age, I really can't remember. Poor Bob Jr. had six HOURS of homework in just one class yesterday, and even little Dud had a solid hour's work to do.
I think I'm glad I'm not in school anymore.
Bob has imposed a new rule in our house: No doing anything until homework is completely done. The kids absolutely despise the idea. Evidently, when there's that much homework, there would be no time to have any "fun".
But what's the point of fun? I've never gotten it. You enjoy yourself for a short amount of time, and then it's over. I'd prefer something more permanent myself. But that's just me. Maybe I'm weird. I dunno.

Sound System Setup

Bob is WAY to lazy.
He refuses to do any of the handywork around the house, even though he's a professional builder. His excuse is that he doesn't want to bring his work home, but I know that it's just him wanting to sit in his easy chair and watch TV.
Anyway, he bought a new sound system for our living room while I was out yesterday. This morning, he made me set it up. It took me three hours to get the thing to work properly. The sound quality is amazing, but the thing was almost more trouble than it is worth. I am annoyed.
This isn't the only time Bob has made me do that sort of thing, though. When our oldest son wanted a weight bench, who do you think set it up? When our daughter got an iPod, who set that up? Whenever there's anything to be set up, it's my job. Fun, no?

Bob and the Purple Elephant plot.

Bob and I are deeply in love. It is so nice to be married. We are so happy together, and with all of our kids. Life is bliss.
Anyway, my apologies for not having been on recently. I was working on my plan to help purple elephants take over the world. It's coming along quite nicely. By February of 2028, everyone should be bowing the the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. With the help of the penguins from the north pole and polar bears from the south pole, we should start taking over El Salvador, which is our first target, in a matter of months.
At first, we'll trick them into thinking it's just a small, peaceful internet campaign. We'll send every El Salvadorian email account a picture of the Diving Purple Elephant Queen with a message saying something along the lines of "This is the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. Submit to her Wondorous Rule." Then, slowly, we'll start a political party. Before you know it, we'll be in charge and we'll change El Salvador's government to a dictatorship, with The Queen as the dictator.
It will be awesome.

Bob Jr.'s New Job

Now that school's started up, Bob Jr.'s decided to get a job. Since he's still in high school, most jobs are out of his reach, but one option remained. The elusive and marvelous minimum wage job.
Now Bob works eight hour days each weekend and an hour or two after school each night, flipping burgers at our local burger joint. Bob Sr. and I are so proud of him. He makes a mean bacon burger with extra cheese and no tomato. A little to much ketchup maybe, but every one has their faults.
DUD was so jealous of the fact that Bob Jr.'s actually making money that he insisted on a raise in his allowance. Instead of ten cents a month, he is now proud to be earning eleven cents, for all the house work he does. You've gotta love four year olds and their concept of money. I don't think he realizes that the amount of money he owns is only enough to buy about two candy bars a year, and I'm not going to be the one to break it to him. That would be his father's job.

5W's and H

Who?
Bob
What?
Built
Where?
Rio de Janerio
When?
August 26, 2626
Why?
He wanted to.
How?
Using his tools.

Bowling

Today Bob and I took the kids bowling. DUD managed to get a couple of strikes, and Sally Ann managed to bowl a one-fifty. I was so proud of her. In case you were wondering here's a list of all my kids in order of birth.
Sally Ann
Bob Jr.
Bob III
Bob IV
Joey
Dyda Jr
DUD
Elizabeth
Ezekiel
Michaelangelo

Just call me Mrs. Builder

It is my name after all. Unless your Bob, or DuD or one of my other 8 kids, you have no excuse. This means you, Mom. And you, Aunt Tia. And you, Uncle Chignik.
Oh wait. Chignik isn't my uncle. It's a town on the Alaska Peninsula, northeast of Perryville. My bad. Sorry Uncle Galena. Oh... wait. That's another Alaskan town. Shoot. I can't remember Aunt Tia's husband's name. Oh, well.
Oops. My bad again. I don't have an Aunt Tia.

Me and Bob

I LOVE Bob the Builder. I like to think he loves me to. We are very happy together, and our nine and a half kids are also. We try not to talk about Wendy. She's evil.
Our half a kid, Dud,was named after his father. Since he's only half a kid, he only has half a name, and when you cut Bob in half you either get Dnl or Dud, depending on whether you cut off the top half or the bottom half. Bob and I talked for awhile, and decided Dud made more sense than Dnl.