Homework is evil

Or at least that is what my kids say. It's been so long since I was their age, I really can't remember. Poor Bob Jr. had six HOURS of homework in just one class yesterday, and even little Dud had a solid hour's work to do.
I think I'm glad I'm not in school anymore.
Bob has imposed a new rule in our house: No doing anything until homework is completely done. The kids absolutely despise the idea. Evidently, when there's that much homework, there would be no time to have any "fun".
But what's the point of fun? I've never gotten it. You enjoy yourself for a short amount of time, and then it's over. I'd prefer something more permanent myself. But that's just me. Maybe I'm weird. I dunno.

Why you don't want to make an elephant mad

Hopefully, that's reason enough for you. Elephants are rarely truly angry, but when upset, they are not a pretty sight to see. One time I saw an elephant go absolutely crazy over someone dropping its favorite type of peanut (the Styrofoam kind) on the ground. Every elephant has its own personal peeves, and they are not things to be messed with.
When elephants get REALLY mad, they call in the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. She's their leader not just because she is divine, but because she is by far more frightening than the other elephants can be. The Divine Purple Elephant Queen is three times the size of normal elephants, and can squash a human with a single step if she so wishes. She can shoot fire out of her trunk, a sight which inspired ancient man to create dragon myths. The Queen has existed for years immeasurable, and will probably still be living long after any people alive now are gone.

You don't want to mess with the Queen

I suppose you're off the hook...

Alright, Mr. Beckett, you're off the hook.
Until the next baseball season, anyway.
In response to these developments, I forced that poor polar bear to completely consume the contents of the Coca-Cola bottle you saw earlier. The bear wasn't pleased, but like all good minions, he would do anything for the Divine Purple Elephant Queen, of whom I am a representative.
Now it's the Patriots that need to be worried. I want a perfect season, after all.

Fox scares me

The news company, I mean.
Check out this messed up article they published. It's just sick and wrong. There's no way it will actually happen, yet those delusions still exist. The Rockies are going DOWN tonight. They won't win. They won't come close to winning. They won't even smell the faintest whiff of potential victory.
I think Fox is just mad that Massachusetts, and by extension the Red Sox, is more "with it" than it is. After all, Massachusetts is a blue state, and Fox is about as red as it gets.
No offense to conservatives, but you have a seriously biased news source.

You're not off the hook yet, Mr. Beckett

Do the Sox won last night. Big deal. Tonights the night that really counts. I want this series to be over. A clean sweep of the Rockies. I know you guys can do it, and I'm not accepting ANY excuses.
None.
You'd better win. It should be a piece of cake. If you don't, then remember that "bottle of Coca-Cola" I showed you earlier.
Penguins and Polar Bears, Mr. Beckett, Penguins and Polar Bears.

Details, details

Don't think you're gonna get off easy, Mr. Beckett. I was recently informed that you aren't going to be playing in today's game.
I don't care.
If you're a part of the Red Sox and the Sox don't do well, it's your fault if they don't do well. Deal with it.
Be very careful of penguins and polar bears if they don't win tonight, Mr. Becket.

That's not a Coke.

I don't care who told you what, that penguin is not giving that polar bear a Coke. Nope, that's the top secret plan of what they'll do if the Red Sox don't win the game tonight. You don't want to know what's inside of it. Top secret, highly confidential stuff. It's so classified, even the Divine Purple Elephant Queen doesn't have access to it. And let me tell you, the Divine Purple Elephant Queen knows EVERYTHING. She knows what you're having for breakfast next Tuesday morning, even if you have no idea. She knows when you'll finally stop putting off your least favorite chore. She knows what your first word was, when you said it, where you said it, and what you meant by it.
So let me tell you, this is top secret stuff. I shouldn't even be telling you it exists. But if I didn't, I'd feel guilty. So be prepared for what will happen if the Sox don't win tonight. Especially you, Mr. Becket. And Big Papi, you should be sweating in your sleep.
Though you better not be sleeping 20 minutes before the game.

Old Dad and Co.

In honor of the Red Sox game tonight, Bob and I invited my father, a die-hard Red Sox fan, over to watch the game. Dad brought along a friend.
So now we've got two old dudes starring at our television, counting down the milliseconds until the first pitch is thrown. It's horribly boring, so I'm stuck blogging for something to do.
On the plus side, Dad's a good cook, for all he is quite a way over the hill. Tonight for dinner he is making Chicken Cordon Bleu, one of his favorite meals to make. I can't wait for dinner, but I can wait for dishes. Where's Bob Jr. when you need him? Dumb kid had to run off to sleep over a friend's house tonight. To bad none of the other 8.5 kids are any good at dish washing.
5:02. That means there are 28 minutes left until the game. Yay!

Case and Point

The one on top is a rocky mountain oyster. The one below it is an oyster.
Which would you rather eat?
Go Red Sox!

I want to see this again soon

And I mean soon. As in tomorrow. You guys better win tonight! The Rockies don't stand a chance. Keep on cremeing them. Show no mercy. None. Nada. Zip. They are what stands between you and your second World Series Championship in three years. Sure, they've got Rocky Mountain Oysters for sale in their stadium, but you're Boston. In Boston, oysters mean a type of mollusks, not bull testicles. I think you guys have the upper hand.

If you start loosing, keep this in mind:
Penguins and Polar Bears.

Sound System Setup

Bob is WAY to lazy.
He refuses to do any of the handywork around the house, even though he's a professional builder. His excuse is that he doesn't want to bring his work home, but I know that it's just him wanting to sit in his easy chair and watch TV.
Anyway, he bought a new sound system for our living room while I was out yesterday. This morning, he made me set it up. It took me three hours to get the thing to work properly. The sound quality is amazing, but the thing was almost more trouble than it is worth. I am annoyed.
This isn't the only time Bob has made me do that sort of thing, though. When our oldest son wanted a weight bench, who do you think set it up? When our daughter got an iPod, who set that up? Whenever there's anything to be set up, it's my job. Fun, no?

Let's go Red Sox!!!!

I'm wearing my green "pride o' the neighborhood" Red Sox shirt just for you guys. You had better win the world series. If you don't, well, I may have to send the penguins and polar bears after you.

Trust me. You don't want that.

Go team!!!

Cover Up

On second thought, forget I said anything in that last post. It was all a lie. Ignore it. I have absolutely no plans to help purple elephants take over El Salvador. None. Nada. Zip. I swear, it was all a lie. I swear on my sister's grave.
Oh wait. I don't have a sister. Never did.

Bob and the Purple Elephant plot.

Bob and I are deeply in love. It is so nice to be married. We are so happy together, and with all of our kids. Life is bliss.
Anyway, my apologies for not having been on recently. I was working on my plan to help purple elephants take over the world. It's coming along quite nicely. By February of 2028, everyone should be bowing the the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. With the help of the penguins from the north pole and polar bears from the south pole, we should start taking over El Salvador, which is our first target, in a matter of months.
At first, we'll trick them into thinking it's just a small, peaceful internet campaign. We'll send every El Salvadorian email account a picture of the Diving Purple Elephant Queen with a message saying something along the lines of "This is the Divine Purple Elephant Queen. Submit to her Wondorous Rule." Then, slowly, we'll start a political party. Before you know it, we'll be in charge and we'll change El Salvador's government to a dictatorship, with The Queen as the dictator.
It will be awesome.

Bob Jr.'s New Job

Now that school's started up, Bob Jr.'s decided to get a job. Since he's still in high school, most jobs are out of his reach, but one option remained. The elusive and marvelous minimum wage job.
Now Bob works eight hour days each weekend and an hour or two after school each night, flipping burgers at our local burger joint. Bob Sr. and I are so proud of him. He makes a mean bacon burger with extra cheese and no tomato. A little to much ketchup maybe, but every one has their faults.
DUD was so jealous of the fact that Bob Jr.'s actually making money that he insisted on a raise in his allowance. Instead of ten cents a month, he is now proud to be earning eleven cents, for all the house work he does. You've gotta love four year olds and their concept of money. I don't think he realizes that the amount of money he owns is only enough to buy about two candy bars a year, and I'm not going to be the one to break it to him. That would be his father's job.

My hat collection

They hang on the wall in me and Bob's bedroom. There are seven of them, when they are all hanging. On the far left is a simple white hat, the kind I wore on Easter when I was a kid. Next to it is a simple, boring, baseball cap from the '06 National Mock Trial Championship, which Bob Jr. participated in. The third cap is a joker's hat, with red-white-and-blue coloring. It has eight light up red balls on the ends of each segment that sticks out of it, and when I turn the hat on, the lights flash. Then there's the cowboy hat that I don't remember getting, and the purple paper bag hat that I got at a party. This hat was made, and then I got to decorate it. I attached multicolored pipe cleaners to the edges of its top, and bells to those. Time has caused the bells to pull the pipe cleaners down torwards the ground and droop. A black and white cap that always reminds me of my grandfather on my mom's side is next to this one, and the final cap is shaped so that it looks like a pink manta ray, with large eyes that creep me out, and my head stuck below it, so it looks like I'm being eaten by the thing when I wear it. Those are my hats.

School's started

Actually, it started two weeks ago, but still.
Dud's starting first grade this year, and Bob Jr is a senior in high school. It's crazy to try to drag all my kids to school each day and get them home each night. Luckily, Bob Jr. drives now, so I make him help. Bob Sr. is to lazy to be useful. His work's distracting him. Something with a giant rocking chair, I think.
The point is, my life's been hectic for awhile now. Don't be surprised if I don't post much during the work/school week--- I'm so busy I can hardly breathe.

Ode to Google

Oh Google your many uses are useful,
You can be used for almost anything,
The internet allows you
To try to make the whole world sing.

But where did you go yesterday?
I could not check my mail
I had to do a Yahoo! search,
Because Google's did fail.

I tried to see what was in the news,
But nothing seemed to be going on.
The computer said it could not be found,
It changed its mind this dawn.

At nine o'clock this morning
I tried to use you again.
To my delight Google worked
And still worked at ten.

Google, your useful for many things,
from images, to Earth
SketchUp is a lot like CAD
To a new internet gave birth.

Why I don't listen to music

Crazy, I know, but I really don't listen to the stuff. It's a waste of time, really. I have better things to do than spend hours with my ears plugged into a digital device. My eyes and fingers spend enough time doing that, thank you very much. It'd be a different matter all together if any of the "modern" music people listen to was any good, but it isn't, so I don't bother. There are about three bands/types of music I'll actually listen to, and none of them are particularly popular at this time of year.
My free time is better spent enjoying silence on my computer, watching online movies, or reading books. I don't want to risk damaging my already selective hearing any more than it already is by blasting music, so I don't even bother.
Logical? Probably not.
Oh, well.

"Mama Elephant"

Mom,
Kindly don't post nonsense jingles on my blog. It's weird. Not that this blog isn't weird, of course. But my point is this is my blog. If you want to babble about elephants going to church, feel free to make your own. Call me and I'll show you how. But please, please don't comment on my blog illogical stuff like that. Thankies!!!!
Dyda

Orange Whale has a Blog Now

Alright, here's how it works. That horrible Orange Whale has made his own blog with which to diss me. I am highly offended by the dissing, but quite flattered that he felt so threatened by me that he had to make his own blog with which to fight me. Very impressive. Of course, it would be a lot more impressive if he managed to use proper spelling and grammar, or something remotely resembling it, at least. You can't have everything, I guess.

Necessary Madness

Alright, Mr. Orange Whale, I see how it is. You clearly don't love purple elephants the way I do--I understand that. But that doesn't mean that you have to force your disgusting orange whales on me. I don't want to eat orange whales, and since the only good whale is found on a whaleburger, orange whales are completely useless.
Sorry, dude.

5W's and H

Who?
Bob
What?
Built
Where?
Rio de Janerio
When?
August 26, 2626
Why?
He wanted to.
How?
Using his tools.

Bowling

Today Bob and I took the kids bowling. DUD managed to get a couple of strikes, and Sally Ann managed to bowl a one-fifty. I was so proud of her. In case you were wondering here's a list of all my kids in order of birth.
Sally Ann
Bob Jr.
Bob III
Bob IV
Joey
Dyda Jr
DUD
Elizabeth
Ezekiel
Michaelangelo

Ode to the Red Sox

The Red Sox are my favorite team
They play basketball the best.
And they go up and down the field
In adorable yellow vests.

Yes, I do love the Red Sox.
I like watching them make touchdowns.
Whenever I see them play
My smile is no longer a frown.

I could tell you more and more,
about how they hit their puck
but I now must leave
and wish the Red Soxs luck!